I am learning how to listen.
Oh, I hear things all the time, but good listening is a growth edge for me.
Recently a friend shared a new way to listen with me and I wanted to pass it along.
She said
notice…
appreciate…
wonder...
If I carry these simple tools into a conversation, any interaction, it’s bound to be just that much richer for both me and the person with whom I am interacting.
My curiosity will be heightened.
I think the person I am listening to will also feel their value more, they’ll receive more dignity and feel seen by me.
For example, the following happened a few days ago.
We walked up the hill breathing heavily.
We were mid-exercise as we encountered this gentleman holding a shovel.
It was a bright, sunny, early spring day and it was no wonder that we were outside having a good, sweaty workout. It was also not surprising to see a man with a shovel in his front yard looking to get some clean-up done.
He was dressed for gardening work. His well worn, long-sleeved T-shirt was tucked into baggy, saggy sweatpants. He looked at us and smiled.
Then he spoke.
I noticed that this man lives just right up the hill from us
and, up until now, we have never spoken.
We stopped and turned to him because we had seen him before, but he had never addressed us. We smiled at him and listened.
How you all doin’?
His voice was pleasant and smooth. His skin glowed dark and warm.
He was wearing designer glasses, his hair and beard charmingly unkempt.
We both began to talk about the glorious day and how we loved it.
He agreed with us.
We asked him how he liked living here, in our neighborhood.
He said it’s good, but it’s not without “problems”. Quelques problèmes.
We knew instantly what he was referring to. He was a black man living in a predominantly white neighborhood.
“For the most part it’s good, but then we got us some difficulties too. When those come along, I jus turn my back and pretend I am pullin’ weeds and workin’ my garden.”
He looked at our questioning faces.
“You know if I were to say anything, or call them to account for hasslin’ me, it will always be my fault and they will, ...well it's no telling what they could do.”
We nod, his meaning sinking in. We began to ask him about himself.
“I’m a painter and a cellist. World renowned. I choose to live here cause it's quiet and I like my peace. I’m thinkin’ about a pied-à-terre in New York City or Philadelphia. Where do you live?”
I appreciated his use of speech. In the short interaction we had with him
I was drawn in by not only his pleasant voice,
but his careful use of words and that he spoke in 2 different languages,
making casual French references about this and that.
I was impressed.
We told him we live the next street over.
“Well, when this pandemic thing is over, y'all come by for a glass of wine with me.”
We told him it would be our pleasure and we looked forward to it.
“Y’all keep walking and enjoying your day. We’ll be seein’ you.”
He waved us off and we kept walking.
I wondered how we could be a friend to him beyond just sharing a glass of wine.
I guess that’s a good place to start and we can grow from there.
Are my ponderings life changing? Maybe not, but also... maybe?
I believe that a life is made richer by good listening.
Imagine if we engaged in these three ways of listening regularly!
I notice...
I appreciate...
I wonder...